It always does.
I got my Christmas wish and spent a full two weeks vacationing in the U.S. And sure enough, as soon as I'd been there for a good chunk of time, I didn't want to leave. Ever. This is a pattern. I get off the plane in Philadelphia all "I want to live in Europe forever" and get back on the plane to France balling my eyes out and questioning our choice to live far away from all the people we love.
But, I really thought this trip would be different. Really, truly, I did. I knew I'd still be a tearful mess when it was time to say goodbye, that's always a given. I just thought I wouldn't feel so distraught this time around. Didn't think that achy homesick feeling would take over quite so hard considering we've been more seriously discussing extending our stay abroad. We're not dying to make Paris permanent, but going back to the U.S. doesn't hold that sense of urgency it once held (at least not until yesterday when I had to come back!). Just before leaving on vacation, I'd been looking at pastry jobs on this side of the pond and going dream apartment hunting online. But now, less than forty eight hours after landing at CDG, I'm back to my old tricks, looking at airfare for the summer and plotting a return to U.S. soil. And so the pattern continues...
I'm just so tried of saying goodbye and see ya soon. It's exhausting. I used to think, and maybe this will change after I get back into the swing of things, that the emotional toll of visiting friends and family once or twice a year, was worth the life we have in Paris. That sounds selfish, but I only mean to recognize that we're extremely fortunate to have the opportunity to live aboard and the sacrifices we made and our loved ones made to let us do this have been worth it. But, maybe our time is up. I'm over crying in airport bathrooms. I'm ready to give up last day at home anxieties. I'm done trying to cram catch up chats with friends into three hour time slots and then not seeing them for another six months. But, I also love the life we've created here. And this is where everything breaks down. I want to have my cake and eat it too.